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29 August 2008 @ 10:13 pm
It's funny... I got on this journal again because I was interested in looking up a community my commonly-used journal was banned from... and then I just started thinking.

When I look at my past entries, I feel a mixture of emotions: saddness, embarassment (oh god, why did I post that...?), anger... no real 'good' emotions. What I can't work out is whether that was my mindset at the time that I wrote those entries, or whether that is who I am, at the core of things.

I've changed a bit, but, on the whole, i've stayed the same. My fear of new things, and my dependancy on routine (as boring as I may see it, sometimes) has probably limited my growth... and, my mindset which has been carefully crafted by myself and those around me since I was young.

I will not delude myself: I am held back by my fears, which are the things I hold on for dear life. They're the things that I can remember most vividly, even when my memories blend and blur. These fears have been created by those whom I have met, and they have been sustained by myself - and it's not easy to let go of them.

Somebody told me that we remember bad things more than good things, as a kind of survival instinct. My point on this is, how can you develop a good survival instinct if, day after day, you are placed in the same situation, without escape or mercy? I have read once that this sometimes causes a sort of 'Pavlov reaction'... where presented with the situation or place, your mind kicks into 'Fight-Or-Flight' mode automatically, just by being there. I believe, based on my experiences only, that this is true.

I fear being alone. I know the root of this, but I can't stop it.
I fear not being successful. As above, I cannot stop it.
I fear being hated. It is something which I need to try and live with, the fact that I can't please everybody, but it still hurts.

I fear many other things, but I can't put them into words.

Looking upon myself, I can see more negative traits than positive... but is that a distorted image? Is the person that I see the person that others see? I don't know. But, something compells me to write that I am happy on tests, to tell people that i'm happy.

Is it a fear of letting them down? Is it a fear of having my own twisted sense of the world debased?

I don't know where i'm going with this. I don't know why i'm writing this, especially on a journal abandoned for a year or more.

Truthfully... to myself, I am a stranger. And, the more I try to come to terms with the fact that not only I know very little of my true self, but also with the fact that I have no true idea what i'm going to do with myself.

tl;dr: I talk about myself.

This is the first post from me in a while, and probably the last on this account.

I have changed - I won't deny it. I don't know whether anybody remembers me, or if you do, whether you actually care about me. However, I have decided to paste this in both my abandoned journals.

If anybody wishes to friend, or otherwise contact my current journal, feel free to send this account a message. I will reply - just remember to set your settings to recieve messages.

Sorry if you see this twice,
Mood: contemplativecontemplative
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